The Ham Incident

The other day at the deli counter, the boy serving me said, "It's okay, you don't need to be nervous."

I was just ordering ham.

But my hands were shaking. And he was right—I was nervous. Not about the ham, obviously. But about taking up too much of his time. About ordering 5 different things. About whether I was standing in the right spot or smiling enough to show I wasn't one of those difficult customers.

I try to anticipate what people need before they need it. I see someone coming and move out of the way first. I apologize at retail counters for "wasting their time" even though that's literally their job. I can be overly smiley, overly accommodating, overly ready. All to avoid… what, exactly? Conflict? Inconvenience? Being perceived as difficult?

I already knew I did this. But hearing it reflected back—"you don't need to be nervous"—made something shift.

Of course I look nervous. All that "niceness" is only happening in my head. On the outside, I'm just a person with shaky hands ordering ham.

I haven't stopped thinking about that interaction.

The next day, I was at Coles and I noticed it happening in real time—that jittery, hypervigilant feeling. Checking out of the corner of my eye to see if I needed to move. Preparing to apologize for existing in a grocery aisle. And then I thought: a swear.

I took a breath. Pushed my belly out as I breathe, the way I've learned helps me feel grounded. And the anxiety dissipated. Not forever—but for that moment. Enough to remind me: I don't need Anxiety's "help" here. I've got this.

So now I'm trying to turn that recognition into something I do without thinking. Try and catch it in the moment EVERY time. I can tell you my fail rate is not looking good so far.

I think that's the whole thing, though—what I choose to do today is what I'll do without thinking tomorrow. If I'm not paying attention, I'll just keep working with the same anxious version of myself over and over.

I'm going to keep trying to notice this week. See what else I'm doing on autopilot.

And next time you're at Coles, if you see someone standing a little straighter, taking a deep breath in the middle of the aisle—maybe they're doing this work too. Breaking a pattern in real time.

We're all doing this, often invisibly, together.

Take care :)

One email a week. No marketing or promotions.